Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
