I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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