no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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