Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
