You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
