I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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