ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
