When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
