I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
They have beer where we have blood.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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