youre lurking in front of me
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
