What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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