I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
