i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
