is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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