Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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