Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
