my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
