all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
