apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
