Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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