why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
