If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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