And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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