Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
