I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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