Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
