Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
there is puke in my bra ... again
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
