I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
