3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
