I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
