I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
