i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
