I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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