This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
