I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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