wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's shark week go big or go home
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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