farters have to be the big spoon...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
