Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
