My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
