If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
