How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
