I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
