singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dignity is for republicans.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
