Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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