"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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