I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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