Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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