when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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