It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
