I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
